Strip Poker
by Shinjiteru
Summary: The Varia are bad-ass Mafiosi, who like nothing more than a good fight. The Varia are bad-ass Mafiosi who were convinced by Lussuria to play strip poker. Yes, Xanxus is that drunk. XS, BF.
1. Tales of Royal Flush and Strip Poker

_Disclaimer:_ I own my dog; I don't own KHR nor its characters. Such a pity :P

**Warning:** Shounen ai (Xanxus x Squalo, Bel x Fran), bad humor and hopefully not too much OOC-ness. Oh, and Lussuria. And a shirtless Levi. He gets a warning of his own.

Boys' Night Out

Or

Tales of Royal Flush and Strip Poker

-

Xanxus was pissed for quite a while now. When he ran out of scotch, he began downing vodka, and when there was no fucking vodka, he moved to wine, and when he found no more wine in hand's reach he was drunk enough to drink fucking grape juice.

"Bossu~" Lussuria's shit-eating face appeared from behind the oak door. Xanxus threw the juice carton at his head, the remaining liquid splashing and staining the wall violet.

"Get your faggot ass out of my office." Xanxus growled. The fucking idiot kept on grinning.

"It's boys' night out, Bossu." He leered horribly. Xanxus groaned and kicked the table into his gut.

"Out."

"But, love-"

"Out. Now." The television went flying into the wall. "And don't fucking call me that." The DVD joined the hip of ruined and smashed technology at Lussuria's feet. "Fucking ever."

Xanxus acted like he was a five year old Squalo. He was _so_ pissed.

Lussuria pouted, pinky on his lip.

"_VOOOOI_, asshole-"now Xanxus was pissed in another way entirely. "Stop ruining our fun." Squalo's stupid head appeared behind the door.

A whole set of crystal champagne glasses (which were filled with anything from pencils to the remains of alcohol) smashed into the door with a loud _crack_.

"What was that for?" the idiot exclaimed, brushing shards from his hair. Xanxus glared.

"Shut the fuck up, dumbass."

"_VOOI_!"

"I said, shut up trash."

Squalo scowled and since he had nothing else to throw at Xanxus, he threw Lussuria, who yelped like a fucking girl and clapped in glee as he flew. Xanxus stepped to the left, successfully avoiding being toppled by the fag. "You're ruining my office, trash." He informed him calmly.

"Boss," Squalo was pushed, or rather stabbed, aside when Bel arrived, Fran drawling behind him. "I think you've ruined your office first." He said.

"Damn right!" Squalo peeped in. Squalo was like an invitation for a major migraine.

"Go and fuck yourself." Xanxus muttered. Bel grinned widely, half the smile hidden by his hair, and looped a hand around the stupid frog.

"Already did."

"Ew, did you have to share that?" the shark grimaced, inching away. It seemed he preferred a drunk Xanxus to a perverted Bel. Bad choice. Very bad choice.

Xanxus sneered and Squalo got another glass to the head.

"Boys, boys! Calm down, please."

Lussuria looped a hand around Xanxus's shoulders, mirroring Bel. Unfortunately, he was still alive. Xanxus turned, fully intended to change that.

"Docha touch ze boss." Levi glared daggers at Lussuria, halfway through the door, with a tooth brush and paste all over his face.

Lussuria ignored him. "Lets play strip poker~" he chirped. He was slapped up side the head and slammed into the nearest wall. Levi's eyes widened and a blush crept up his neck. He mumbled something suspiciously similar to 'strip poker with the boss!'. Shoujo background and butterflies appeared behind him.

Oh, Christ.

Xanxus feared that by the end of the night, he won't have any furniture left.

"I'm in." Bel grinned some more. Xanxus desperately hoped it would crack his head in two.

"Out." Xanxus repeated. He fucking hated repeating himself.

"Sempai," Fran drawled. "Are you so desperate to get in someone's pants?"

Stab, stab, stab.

Then,

"I'm in too." Fran said.

Xanxus let himself sigh so quietly and discreetly he hoped no one would ever know he did. Xanxus didn't _do_ sighs.

"Squalo, darling, what about you?" Lussuria's hand waved from under a pile of broken bookshelves and one destroyed sofa.

"No fucking way!" Squalo screeched and Xanxus wondered why such a pussy was his right hand man.

"Scared?" Bel asked. "_Ushishishishi…_" Xanxus wanted to strangle him.

"You wish!" the other hollered, hand on the sheath of his sword.

"Prove it."

"_VOOOI_! You're on!"

"Get-"Xanxus threw his chair. "Out-" then his glass liquor stand. "Of-" then the nightstand. "My-" the closet. "office." He fired his guns.

Squalo's hair got scorched, and he made a sound similar to "!!!".

"But honey-"

He fired again.

Squalo upgraded the "!!!" with hand movements and occasional screeches.

They ended up carrying Xanxus and his 'throne' (as Fran described, air quotes in place) across the castle and playing strip poker in Squalo's room.

-

"Royal Flush, shishi~" Bel grinned, showing his cards.

"Motherfucker," Xanxus grumbled, throwing his cards in Bel's face. "You're cheating, you little shit."

"Oh," a small, sad (though certainly enthusiastic) voice said. "I've got nothing yet again." Lussuria was about to shed his pants (though he still had shirt and socks). Squalo shut his eyes tightly and grumbled 'Spare us'.

Lussuria undressed anyway, and Xanxus wished he was killed in that one fight with Tsuna, so he won't have to see such a horrible sight. He threw Squalo's pillow in the faggot's face.

"Hey! I have to sleep with it!" the shark exclaimed. "I don't want any weird germs from him!"

"Shut it, trash."

"Sempai," Fran stared at Bel, cocking an eyebrow. "It's the third time in a row." He remarked. "Since we've never seen your eyes, sempai, maybe you have X-ray sight instead?"

Stab, stab, stab.

"Sempai, I would appreciate it if you stopped using me as a stabbing target. I know you have to improve your skills, since you have so little, but can you use someone else?"

Stab.

_Stab_..

_STAB_…

"Bel's just a cheater." Levi grumbled, throwing his left boot with a sniffle and a pat. "No one get's royal flush three times."

"Well," Bel grinned like the stupid pink cat Xanxus once saw Lussuria watching on TV. Wonder-fucking-something. "I'm a prince after all."

He grinned some more.

"Fucker." Xanxus growled. Squalo was silently grieving over his faggot infected pillow. Xanxus smacked him.

"_VOOOI!_"

"Royal Flush!" Bel exclaimed cheerfully some minutes later.

"Full house." Fran laid his cards carefully on the floor.

"Straight!" Squalo smirked.

"Yeah, right." Bel cough.

"What did ya-"

"Four of a kind…." Lussuria smiled.

"Two." Levi grumbled. Lussuria face fell, and he mumbled something close to 'oh dear, I cannot _win_ in this one…'

"Anyone wants to trade cards with me?" Lussuria asked, hopeful for another chance to strip.

All eyes turned to Xanxus. Holly shit.

"One." He grumbled, and upon seeing Levi's hopeful face added, "I'm not undressing myself in front of you."

Levi's face fell.

"Ha!" Squalo pointed at him, smirking evilly. "The boss lost!"

All gasped in horror.

Well, Lussuria made enough gasps for everyone.

In Xanxas's mind, Squalo was going down in flames, Xanxus himself standing above the scorched corpse, cackling and screaming 'Die fucker die!'

"Trash…" he growled in warning.

"Bossu~ cheating is a no-no!" Lussuria wagged his finger. Xanxus wanted to break it _so_ badly. He settled for kicking his face. The boot flew along with Lussuria into Squalo's bed.

Squalo shrieked, and Xanxus sported his best asshole-smirk, and said "There".

"My bed!" Squalo wailed.

"Only a boot?" Levi murmured in disappointment.

Bel just laughed like a psychopath, which wasn't much different from his usual laugh. Fran sneaked a look at his cards in the meantime.

An hour and forty-five minutes later, Bel was the only one fully clothed. Lussuria was wrapped in Squalo's sheets (in Xanxus's order with loud protests from Squalo) so his naked glory won't be seen. Levi was shirtless (a loud "EW!" from Squalo), missing one boot and all of his socks (he insisted on keeping the right boot and throwing his sock instead). Squalo was down to his pants and a boot, and Xanxus fought hard not to stare. He was probably drunker than he thought. Bel stared at Fran too, so Xanxus wasn't entirely alone there.

The next round, Fran lost. Bel stabbed him when he tried to get his hat off.

"You'll die with that hat, little froggy." He declared. Fran eyed him levelly.

"But sempai, It's either that or my pants."

Bel wasn't impressed. And here Xanxus thought Lussuria was the only pedo in their group.

"Sempai-"

"I said the hat stays." Bel grumbled. Xanxus didn't get it, what use was Fran shedding his pants when Bel had X-ray eyes anyway?

Xanxus threw Levi's boot on Fran. "Hurry up, little shit." He ordered.

Fran ended up as a rather ridiculous sight to behold, almost naked (but wearing a rather impressive blank stare and a gloomy aura) and a huge stupid hat. Squalo laughed like mad. Lussuria checked him out. Xanxus wanted to retch.

Bel kept on staring.

After a few rounds, when Bel opened his mouth to declare how awesome his cards were, Xanxus (who had lost another boot in the previous round) threw the boot at him and hissed, "Shut the fuck up."

"Cocky brat… 'Royal Flush!'." Squalo mimicked Bel, ducking from several knives aimed at his head. "If I loose this time, brat, I'll throw my boot at you too."

Squalo did loose, and Bel almost lost his head because of the force the shoe was thrown with. Xanxus wished he wouldn't be so fast to dodge it.

"Boys~" Lussuria clapped his hand in glee. "Should we make this more interesting?" No one turned their head, afraid to see something that would scar them for life.

"How?" Bel inquired, an already wide smile turning wider.

"Well…" Lussuria mused, and the blanket around his chest probably fell, or something, since Squalo yelped and backed into Xanxus's back.

"Trash, get off me."

"Get that on! Voi, I'm gonna turn blind!"

Xanxus threw him off, right into Lussuria.

Squalo's horrified yell was quite loud.

"Truth or dare!" Lussuria exclaimed happily, after Squalo entangled himself from him and ran screaming murder into Xanxus, who beat him respectively without moving from his chair.

"With poker?" froggy asked. Lussuria was probably grinning. Xanxus was still facing him with his back.

"Each who had lost will pick truth or dare," Lussuria explained. "Of course, I'll be the one picking the truths and dares."

"You fucking won't!" Squalo was seething from across the room.

"Alright." Levi said, and then whispered (not so discreetly), "Hook me up with the boss!"

"~Kay!"

"I'm the boss here and I say no."

"You'll make us make out or somethin'" Squalo accused.

Bel's _shishishi_-s were heard.

"Okay, in worst case scenario I'll throw sempai's hat." Fran concluded. Bel's laughing ceased. He stabbed Fran again, drawing blood.

"Respect the hat, brat!"

"No sex, right?" Squalo asked, suspicious. Then he winced, Lussuria probably bat his eyelashes at him or something, and a loud "Don't be silly, of course not!" was heard. Levi sobbed at that.

"Fine." Xanxus grumbled, doubtful of his own sanity but bored out of his mind, and added, "But I have the right to kill you anytime."

"Yes, Bossu!"

In the next round, Levi had lost. He shed off his remaining boot with teary eyes, and looked hopefully at Lusssuria.

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare." And he mouthed, 'Kiss! Let me kiss the boss!'

Lussuria giggled and clapped some more. "Alright honey." He said, and there was silence for a few moments while he thought. Xanxus sincerely hoped he'd tell him 'go and commit suicide'.

"Hey, let him swallow my knives." Bel suggested, leaning back on Squalo's bed's headboard and cackling shishishi-s. "I wanna see his blood."

"No way!" Levi protested. No one cared, really.

Squalo, who momentary forgot to yell at Bel for molesting his bed, grinned.

Fran nodded in approval. "I'd be rather glad to see someone else suffering from sempai's knives."

"Hey!" Levi raised his voice again. The fucking noisy trash. Xanxus thought the knives a good way to shut him up.

He thought about it some more, and seeing as he had nothing to throw at the man now, and as he was tired of Levi undressing (and probably raping) him with his gaze, agreed. "Do it, trash."

Levi's eyes watered even more than when he let go of his boot, and he sniffled loudly. Then he glared at Lussuria, who only giggled more and hummed, "Boys just wanna have fun~"

Then, with a dramatic gesture, Levi took all of the knives Bel so generously offered him, and put them in his mouth. His mouth looked like a rabid hedgehog. Xanxus found that look rather appealing.

"VOOOOOOI, suits you!" Squalo laughed.

Bel slapped Levi on his back, and said, "Careful so you won't swallow them. I'll get them out of your gut and make you clean them if you do." He warned with a smile.

Xanxus was glad Levi couldn't talk for the rest of the round, though he hoped Lussuria won't talk either.

In the next round, they had a high card. To his horror (and everyone else's joy) Xanxus had lost. He growled.

"Truth or d-"

"Skip."

"What?"

"I said skip. I'm not partaking in this."

"Hey, that's not fair!" Squalo yelled, glaring at Xanxus.

"Shut up, trash. I'm the boss, fair is for you idiots."

"Honey, don't bully the others." Lusssuria scolded.

"Shut up, faggot."

"That's not nice." He could hear the pout.

"The boss is scared." Bel said idly, staring at Xanxus (or at the vase behind his head, he wasn't sure with all that _hair_).

"It's natural." Fran added nonchalantly.

It was Levi's turn to do "!!!".

"Hey boss-" Xanxus turned to Squalo, and saw the most beautiful thing ever. A bottle of wine, and if Xanxus was right (as he always was), from 1879.

"Give me that!" he ordered, reaching out for the booze.

"Nah, I don't think so." Squalo grinned and waved the bottle around. Xanxus really didn't feel like standing up and actually putting effort into walking towards the trash and beating the shit out of him. He settled for his infamous Glare-of-Doom. "If you want it, play fair." The shark said, Xanxus thought that if said in another context- that could be quite kinky.

There was a murmur of agreement, and one loud "Yes, sunshine, play fair". Xanxus reached his hand out and said, "Give me the booze." Then grumbled. "And I'll play."

He sent Squalo a glare that clearly said 'beware of dark corners' and a smirk that suggested 'I just might blow your head off and let stray rabbits eat your corpse'.

Squalo voi-ed and gave over the bottle, oblivious. After a long swig, Xanxus said, "Truth."

He thought he heard Squalo murmur 'sore fucking loser.'

Lussuria was humming again, and after a while declared, "Do you like someone? Like-"he paused. "Like-like someone?"

Xanxus raised an eyebrow. The room was so silent he could hear Levi drooling into the floor. "Like like?" he questioned.

"Oh, silly me, if course you won't know what it is-" Xanxus refused to waste another fucking bullet on another fucking minion. He clenched his teeth. "I meant, do you like someone _romantically_?"

Xanxus growled a loud and clear "NO." Pairs of green, blond and black eyebrows rose. Squalo just stared at him. If Xanxus was anyone else, he might have, god forbid, fidget. "Are you sure, darling?" Lussuria insisted.

"Yes-"

"_Ushishishishi_…" Bel chuckled and waved his hand dismissively. "I don't believe you." Then he turned his head to Squalo and back. Several times. In a row. Xanxus wondered if he was that obvious, and wished the blond would break his neck and die.

"Me neither, boss." Said Fran and stared through him. It was as if he was pointing his finger at him, laughing and chanting 'liar'.

Levi raised his eyebrows to his hairline, eyes tearing up again. He pointed at himself several times and made hearts with his fingers. 'Not even me?'…

Xanxus wanted to eviscerate them all. Slowly and as painfully as possible. He _didn't_ do crushed, and he _didn't_ like the fucker like that. Not that there was any _particular _fucker he didn't like, he didn't like _anyone_.

"No." he growled again. "I said I can kill you anytime, right?" he asked Lussuria, his hand reaching for his gun, already grieving for the bullet. "I can add you all for the deal, too."

"Dear, we said no violence." Lussuria scolded him again.

"When did we say that?" Xanxus questioned. Then he smirked.

"So, do you like anyone?" Squalo asked; head tilted to the right and silver hair spilling onto the floor, like a pool of soft silk. Pft, as if he'd say that. Squalo's hair was more like poisoned mercury waiting to kill someone. Like, if anyone slept near him they would probably die out of asphyxia from all that hair. It was like deadly, metal cables.

"No."

"Oh," Squalo paused. "Okay."

And it ended with Xanxus taking his shirt off and Levi nose bleeding all over the place. Squalo wanted to chop him to pieces after that.

Then Bel lost and hell broke loose.

Well, not really, but Bel did scream loud enough so Satan might consider sending his ducklings to maim him. If Satan didn't have the time, Xanxus would gladly do it for him (as long as it didn't require for him to _move_).

"The brat lost!" Squalo gloated, waving his sword in the air. "How did ya do it, froggy?" he asked, eyeing the Royal Flush in Fran's left hand. "Sneaked his cards from his sleeve or somethin'?"

"Yes, exactly." Fran nodded, emotionless as a fucking brick. "He had a whole of fifty two sets of Royal Flush in his left sleeve."

"Fucker, I knew you cheated."

"Princes don't cheat." Bel sniffled. "The brat's just trying to incriminate me." He glared at Fran.

Xanxus growled, not believing a fucking word, and reaching for his gun, murder in his eyes. Then, he mulled it over, deciding he didn't actually have to move in order to kill Bel. "Trash," he looked at Squalo. "Kill him."

"Truth or dare?" Lussuria interrupted the murder-in-process. Xanxus made a note to himself to add Lussuria on his 'People Who I'll Send the Stupid Shark Trash to Kill' list. It was a very large list. He also had another list, shorter, with only one name on it. The 'People Who I'll Kill' list-, which only read 'stupid shark trash'. He couldn't bother to kill people the idiot could kill for him, now could he?.

With an audible snap, Bel tore his necklace and threw it into Fran's face (there was a red mark Xanxus would admire later). "Dare."

"Kiss Fran~" Lussuria cooed.

Fran twitched.

Levi signed something that Xanxus's wishful imagination interrupted, as 'now I can _die_ happy'.

Squalo made a very impressive imitation of vomiting his guts. Then he saw Bel's face and burst with laughter.

Bel was silent. Then he asked, "What?"

"Kiss Fran!" Lussuria repeated, "I think you're-"

"I think you'd like to rethink that sentence." Bel said, his smile fading into an even scarier expression of pure madness. Xanxus was taken by awe as to how much a single grin can express. Bel pulled out his best, largest, and probably sharpest, knife.

"Sunshine, no violen-"

Fran kept on staring. Bel stared back. There was anime-styled electricity between the two. Fuckers, if they lit his castle aflame they are fucking _dead_ fuckers.

Bel inched closer, still staring. "Stop staring at me like that, brat."

"Why?" Fran asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is it turning you on?"

Squalo was cackling in the background.

"You wish, froggy."

"Voi," Squalo waved a hand in between them, snatching it away when he got stunned and glared. Then, as fit for sharks seen on National Geographic (something Lussuria watched in between talk shows), he bared his sharp fangs and incisors. "I bet it does." He smirked some more. "Kiss him!"

"Didn't you say it's gross?" Xanxus put.

"Yeah, but the brat's face is worth it." Squalo smiled. "_So_ worth it."

Bel growled and prepared a knife.

Fran turned to Squalo and said, "I really don't think it's any of your business." His voice was as bland as it gets. "I don't find sempai the least bit attractive-"

"Oh yeah?" Bel smacked him, the hit muffled by the huge hat. "You're not a terrible catch yourself, comic freak."

"Psychopath." Fran retorted calmly.

"Wannabe-superhero."

"Wannabe-princess."

Stab.

Then Squalo pushed them together, smashing Bel's face into Fran's. Damn, if only he would manage to break at least one nose…

Lussuria gasped. Loudly. Again.

Levi tried to spit the knives out. It was a vain, pathetic attempt that amused Xanxus greatly.

Xanxus stared for three whole seconds before turning his head away and staring at the wall, trying to ignore the little voice in his head the chanted '_that's so hot_'. Bel was practically on top of Fran, one hand holding the top of the bed, the other on the floor- trapping the brat underneath. That _wasn't_ hot, Xanxus reasoned.

"Trash, go and turn the air conditioner." Levi nodded and hopped up, knives and all, to the control panel on the wall.

_How _long_ were they going to kiss? They probably swallowed each other's head by now_, he thought as he turned back. Nah-uh, they were still kissing, even harder than before (which Xanxus found nearly impossible to comprehend. Or watch).

Then, Bel and Fran parted (A small relief sigh from Xanxus. Damn, second sigh and rising!), both panting, and still suspiciously close to each other. "So," Bel drawled. "Is it turning you on?"

Xanxus wished he had something to throw at his inner self for saying yes.

"Not in the least." Fran's breathe wheezed, and his cheeks were flushed. As if anyone would believe _that_.

"You're still not attractive?" Squalo wondered aloud (mistake number one), rolling on the floor. "You poor brat, being rejected like that." He patted Bel's shoulder sympathetically (mistake number two). "You can always go at it with Lussuria!" he suggested, pointing at the fag (Mistake number three, four and _five_).

Squalo found himself with a knife to the throat and Bel sitting on his chest and shishi-ing. It was rather creepy, that is, if Xanxus was any lesser of the manly man he was.

"Ne, sempai, it won't be fun killing him now," Fran prodded him, leaning against his back. "Won't a slower, more painful death be better?"

Squalo unsheathed his sword. "Like hell I'll let you brats tramp me over." he grumbled.

Fran whispered something into Bel's ear. Then the sucker smiled his freaky smile again and nodded. "Pray to god, sharky."

In the next round, Xanxus got Royal Flush.

Levi got Royal Flush.

Bel and Fran both had a Flush too (dirty, little cheaters).

Even Lussuria had a Royal Flush. And he didn't even have cards for the better part of the game.

Squalo had a disarray of unmatched cards. He glared at Bel.

Fran waved his hand, where a ring shone. Squalo greeted his teeth. "Cheater."

"Prove it."

"Truth or dare honey?" Lussuria asked, glancing down at his own cards in disappointment. The fucker probably hoped to shed the sheet as well.

"Truth." He grumbled, fiddling with the belt of his pants. Xanxus stared.

"Scared?" Bel taunted. "Can't take on a dare?"

"I don't trust you." Squalo replied. "You'll make me jump from a cliff."

Lussuria gasped. _Again_. What the fuck was wrong with that ma- Xanxus's head snapped towards the buckle of Squalo's belt. It hit the floor with a soft _thud_.

"Oh, you wish you'd get off that easily-"

"He won't kill you on a dare." Fran interrupted. "Sempai can do it himself anyway."

"The great Superbi Squalo is a scared little girl…" Bel kept on mocking.

Xanxus had a terrible de-ja-vu thingie. Squalo fell for it every time, the 'are you scared?' thing Bel was so fond of. Xanxus snorted.

"Are you scared, Trash?" he questioned, closing his eyes and ignoring all and everyone completely.

Squalo glared. "As if."

"Prove it." Bel cackled.

"Fine." Squalo snapped. "_Dare_."

Bel rubbed his hands in unsuppressed glee. "Oh, you're gonna regret this…"

He leaned against the bed, mulled the subject for a total of a second and a half, and then, grinned (surprise surprise. Somehow, Xanxus wasn't surprised) maniacally. "You want to kiss Levi?" he asked.

Squalo paled. Then shuddered, and then turned a sick shade of green. "Maybe Lussuria?" now he was as green as an alien in American trash movies.

Xanxus should have expected it. As a wise leader-, by all means, he should have predicted the next words Bel was going to say. Only he didn't.

"Or…" The blond brat drawled, pausing for effect. "You can kiss the boss."

The green was gone (Xanxus supposed he should take it as a compliment- not that he did), but the shark was still pale. He croaked a weak "Wha?"

"I'm feeling extra generous today," Bel elaborated. "I'll let you chose." He smiled.

Xanxus just stared at them both. He didn't say what he thought he said. He was getting deaf with the years. Squalo gave him a puppy face, as much as a shark could get with pretending to be a puppy. Xanxus sneered at him.

"You're not kissing me." He declared.

"But I don't wanna kiss Lussuria! And Levi's got knives in his mouth, and I really don't wanna touch him." Squalo whined. What a pussy.

"I don't want you to kiss me." Inner Xanxus called him a filthy liar; he was giving him the evil eye too. His inner self wasn't much more mannered than he himself.

"But Lussuria's a pedo!"

"You're not underage." Xanxus grumbled.

Squalo sulked.

Then he turned to Bel and asked. "Can I still take you on that cliff offer?"

"In your dreams." Bel twirled a knife around his middle finger for emphasize. Squalo sighed sorrowfully.

He finally stood, expression stubborn as if he was ready to beat the crap out of someone, and unbuckled his second belt. It fell to the carpet, a hip of black leather soon joining it. He stalked forward, and Xanxus leaned back in his chair, left eye twitching.

"Trash…" he growled low in his throat.

"Shut up." Squalo growled back. He reached him in a few confident strides, sat himself on Xanxus's lap, hips straddled, Xanxus easily trapped and unable to move (damnit) and body leaning forward. He kissed him full force, a clash of lips and teeth. Xanxus froze for the first time in his life. He didn't breath.

Suddenly, Squalo's warmth pulled away, and before he could walk away and scowl at the world for the stupid dare, Xanxus caught him by the hair and pulled him closer. "I didn't say you can move, trash." He grumbled, tangling his hand in the hair (his earlier assumptions were true- it _was_ soft) and kissed him again.

"I thought you said you don't like anyone," Squalo said when they broke apart, still sitting on his lap and panting heavily. His breath was warm on his cheek. Xanxus smirked in his all asshole-mightiness and said, "I changed my mind."

There was a loud _thump_ as Levi fell to the floor, body in spasms and nose bleeding into the expensive Persian carpet.

_TBC_

A/N: I had fun writing this shot, I hope you enjoyed reading it. This fandom is new to me (and I have not watched all the episodes of KHR, shame on me) - so I hope nothing is too OOC.

Reviews are cherished ^^ Thank you if you read it so far!


	2. So What if It Wasn't Strip Poker?

_**So What if It Wasn't Strip Poker?**_

"Let's play the nervous game~" Lussuria chirped. He was slapped up side the head and slammed into the nearest wall- courtesy of Xanxus. Xanxus cackled evilly and if his ego wasn't as big- he would've rubbed his hands together like your common villain. Xanxus prided himself with the fact he wasn't your common villain.

"What's the nervous game?" Fran asked, mildly interested.

Xanxus looked at Lussuria to see the degree of damage he caused (he was, also, mildly interested).

"It's a college type of game." Lussuria explained from where he was sprawled on the floor. Everyone exchanged glances. What kind of criminal attended college anyway?

"Like drinking games?" Xanxus asked, one eyebrow raised. Xanxus liked drinking games. Xanxus was good at drinking games. Xanxus was talking about himself in third person. Xanxus was very drunk.

"Don't be silly, darling." Lussuria dismissed him with a wave of his hand. The fucker. "It doesn't involve alcohol." He rolled his eyes. "It's bad for growing up boys."

Aside from the frog trash, who exactly did the faggot consider as 'growing up boys'? Even Mammon (who, let's face it- was a baby) drank.

"So how do we play?" Bel asked, leaning against the wall, arms crossed- shit eating grin in place. "Does it involve insanity and cold blooded murder?" he asked, rather eagerly. The kid needed some motherfucking therapy. They all did. Maybe he could ask that fucking tuna to pay for the sessions.

"Oh dear, I sure hope it doesn't!" Lussuria gasped in horror. "The nervous game is a game were one has to-"

"Shut up." Xanxus barked. "It's my castle, my rules. I say we don't play."

"I say you need to get the stick outta your friggin' ass," Said Squalo.

"I say you die." Xanxus snapped, "Shithead, get out of here before I fry you." He told Lussuria, who sniffled and began sobbing in an exaggerated fashion. Then he glared at the rest. "Why are you little minions still here?"

"Bossu-"

"I said out." He roared.

No one turned around. Ungrateful, little motherfucking suckers.

"OUT!" a cabinet of glass smashed into the wall near Lussuria, covering all in shards.

"VOI! What the fuck is wrong with you, you asshole?" Squalo screamed, a bloody gash forming on his forehead. Xanxus could almost see his brain leak out. That is, if he had a brain- something Xanxus considered as realistic as the Loch Ness Monster [and Xanxus refused to believe in anything with a stupid name such as _Nessie_].

"We're not going to play bloody kids' games in my castle." he stated firmly, leaning back on his throne.

"But Boss!" Levi protested. He imitated a fish when he saw Xanxus glaring daggers at him and mouthing 'go masturbate in a dark hole'. He made vague gestures with his hands that Xanxus swore were dirty. He ignored them firmly.

"You don't know how to play kids' game, you dickhead." Squalo said and glared as well. Xanxus snorted.

"So?"

"I'm just saying you know nothing of it- so I understand if you are scared to play."

Xanxus flipped him the bird. Then he flipped his glass over his head.

"Lussuria," he growled. The little ray of freaking sunshine turned his head. He could see his eyes sparkle. Xanxus sneered and spat like a cat. "Explain." He ordered.

"Well…" Lussuria drawled, grinning evilly. Xanxus paused. Evil Lussuria was rather comic.

"We'll need a chair."

"Trash, get a chair." Squalo scowled at that.

"But there's your chair."

"Exactly my point. It's _my_ chair. Get another." Squalo didn't budge. Xanxus twitched. "Now."

He threw his new glass on him for good measure. The silver hair turned a shade darker as the wine spread. The shark huffed and turned on his heel and out the door. When he came back, he threw the chair into Xanxus' face. Levi successfully blocked it with his own face (the sucker).

Squalo twitched silently as he sat by his side on the floor. Xanxus was tempted to say 'good doggie' and kick him (because we all know Xanxus kicked puppies as a child).

"Levi, would you mind…?" Lussuria gestured towards the single chair in the middle of their little circle. Levi sat unwillingly, suspicious. Lussuria crouched down beside him.

"It goes like this," he put his hand on Levi's calf. "Don't fidget, dear." He instructed, and then he trailed his hand slowly up Levi's leg. It was a disgusting sight to behold.

"If I ask you 'are you nervous?' and the answer is 'yes'- I stop, if it's 'no' then I keep on going until you say yes." Lussuria explained. "I can do anything- and if you say yes, I win."

"Can we bet?" Squalo asked.

"On what, darling?" Lussuria asked, genuinely puzzled.

"On the outcome, of course!" Squalo rolled his eyes, as if Lussuria was the dumbest person he'd ever met. Well, him and the tuna brat.

"Yeah," Bel put. "Whoever wins gets cinque milioni di euro." He smirked widely then. "The looser gets a punishment from the winner."

"Why did you say it in Italian?" Fran asked. Everyone looked at Bel in wonder; they haven't used Italian for quite a while. In Japan do as Japanese do, or they'll be polite at dinner and send someone to kill you in a dark alley.

Much like Xanxus.

"It makes me feel a Mafiosi instead of a lousy Yakuza guy."

Everyone nodded in agreement. Pft. The Yakuza. The Varia was so much better than the Yakuza.

Only Lussuria nodded solemnly and murmured, "To ruin such a wonderful game with material needs..."

Xanxus snorted indigently. What did he expect from criminals? He had probably missed the memo about the relocation of Care-bearville.

"Are you nervous?" Lussuria asked then, batting his eyelashes like a hoe. Xanxus snarled. Levi gulped and said "A-ha".

"Let's pretend you didn't say that, shall we?" asked Lussuria and kept on molesting Levi. Levi caught his hand before he got to his crotch.

"Look, I said I'm nervous."

Lussuria ignored him and sat in his lap. Squalo cackled. Levi paled. "I'm nervous, I'm really really nervous."

Lussuria clearly didn't believe him.

When Lussuria was about to kiss him a loud puking sound was heard and then a chorus of snapping sounds as everyone turned their heads to Squalo's direction. "Wasn't me."

Fran's illusions weren't that good if you saw him cast them. What the heck did he have to barf if they had no dinner anyway?

Xanxus didn't like going to bed on an empty stomach (so he drank to fill it- or so he would tell you), and he swore that if the chef wasn't found dead in the corridor, he would've killed him. Though the cuts on the body were admirable indeed. A work of art, really.

Bel laughed and threw his knives into the back of the chair, creating a perfect circle around Levi's head. A halo of knives.

Creative.

"Are you nervous?" the blond asked, smirking as if his lips had no limit to how wide they could stretch. And they had no limit, really; Fran once stretched Bel's face until his grin reached his ears. Lussuria got a whole stash of hidden photos to prove it [and huge scars as well].

"Sure am-" Levi lifted his hand with a sigh fitted for theater. "You psychotic freaks!"

"Is this game some kind of new torturing technique?" Fran inquired, frowning. "Molestation and threats of stabbing?" he wondered. "That won't work, sempai does that all the time-" Fran was stabbed a handful of times. He ignored it, only giving a droll glare to Bel. "It doesn't work after a while."

"No, no, no!" Lussuria shook his head frantically. "It's a wonderful pastime!" he assured them. "It helps to get people more comfortable before executing carnal relationships. And it's rather fun, too."

"Why don't I believe you?" Squalo scoffed at the 'carnal relationships' bit. Then he realized Lussuria was still on Levi's lap, and scowled.

"Ew…"

"Who's the next victim?" Xanxus asked, drunk on cheap juice and not-so-cheap vodka he stole from the kitchens. He had a castle with seven kitchens, four wineries and one-hundred and seventy-two chefs, and some other trash no one knew and was still paid. And still Xanxus had no alcohol. Some kitchen staff were about to die.

"Levi, it's your turn," the fag turned to Levi and gestured towards the others. "Pick anyone." He said. "You can give me the money later." He said quietly. "I'll think of a punishment later". Wink wink.

Xanxus gnashed his teeth. Fucking faggot.

Levi's ignored him and his eyes lightened, like they did when he was drunk on Christmas Eve and tried to molest Xanxus with his foot under the table. Xanxus was fairly sure it was his intention now as well.

Levi turned to face him, sparkly eyes and floating above the floor in a bubble of gruesome pink. Xanxus just had to burst it.

"You're not touching me even if you were the last human alive." He said. "I'd rather fuck a sheep."

Levi's bubble popped with a wonderful sound of tears hitting the stone floor. Xanxus smirked like the asshole he was.

"But why, boss?" he pouted, attempting to imitate Lussuria. As he failed, Xanxus concluded only Lussuria could act like a girl without surgery. "Trash," he said, not looking at anyone in particular. "Smack him."

There was an eerie silence. Then Fran said, "Who are you talking to?" with a perfectly blank expression.

Now Xanxus glared (were they fucking idiots?), shifting it from the frog-brat to the dumb dog by his throne. "Trash," he said again. "Do it."

"Who?" Bel asked, teasing.

They were fucking idiots.

"This." Xanxus pointed at Squalo's head.

Squalo grimaced as he looked up, took Xanxus' bottle of '20% Less Sugar (the same taste guaranteed!), 100% Chemical Free Grape Juice!' and threw it at Levi's face. "You're a bastard." He informed Xanxus as Levi fell on his back and chocked on carton. The juice spilled onto the floor.

"Clean it."

"Like hell I would!"

Xanxus held a crystal glass. He glared at the shark.

"Forget it you ass, I'm not cleaning your mess!"

He no longer held the crystal glass.

"VOI! What the hell-"

"How old is the boss, sempai?" Fran asked Bel, whose smile flattened.

"Old." He looked at Xanxus, twitching lightly. "Really old." The great psychopath's grin comeback. Bel was a dead man.

"And how old is Squalo-sempai?"

"Don't know." Bel stared at the seething shark for a minute. "He's old too." He concluded.

"Hey!"

"So why are they acting like they're six?" Fran asked.

Xanxus threw another glass. Squalo growled and offered moral, silent support. "I'm not old." He said, offended.

"Five." Fran corrected himself as he brushed glass off. "Definitely five."

"Three," Bel corrected.

"Five."

"Make it four and it's a deal, froggie."

They shook hands.

"Boss… I want to play with the boss…" Levi grumbled from the floor. Xanxus wanted to stomp him in the gut.

"You'll die." Fran observed quietly.

"Painfully." Bel rubbed his hands together like a little maniac on sugar high.

"Choose someone else." Squalo glared at Xanxus. "Xanxus is just a douche with a stick up his ass."

"Yes, please proceed, honey." Lussuria nodded in agreement.

Levi slouched like a Neanderthal, sniffled a little more and trudged his way towards the chair. "Fran." He sobbed, still looking hopefully at Xanxus (who pointed his gun at him accordingly).

Fran was pushed by Bel to the chair of doom. "Down boy, down." Fran sat when a knife was aimed at his jugular. "Good froggie." He pat his head fondly.

It was rather endearing.

Levi crouched by him and slammed his hand down on his knee. Xanxus made a mental countdown.

He got to three before Fran kicked Levi in the balls. Hard, accurate hit. Levi began crying.

Again.

"I'm sorry…" the brat didn't sound sorry at all. "My reflexes are rather bad."

"Did you manage to break something?" Squalo inquired curiously.

"There is nothing to break in that area-"

"Of course there is, darling-"

"ENOUGH!"

There was silence for approximately half a minute. Then there were screams and huffs and flying knives. "Keep on going, this shit is remotely entertaining." Xanxus said, and pointedly ignored the knife stuck near his head.

Bel will pay later.

"Alright then, Fran, honey, choose someone."

"I want my money." Levi moaned in pain. "I'll sell your corpse to Lussuria." Fran informed him calmly and turned to the other members of the Varia.

There was silence, and if they hadn't scared all animals away from the next few acres, they would probably hear crickets. "Faster, trash."

"I don't want to choose anyone, really."

"Froggie-" Bel smiled. If there were really crickets, then by now they would've been gone- Bel was creepy like that. "You heard the boss."

Fran eyed them all impassively.

He looked at Levi-"Ew"-, at Lussuria- "God, no…"- Squalo got a twitch, Xanxus almost a spasm. "Sempai," he said then. "Would you mind stabbing me to death?"

Bel's grin widened. "You wish, my uncute-Kohai, you so wish…"

Fran sighed without moving a muscle, some sort of a heavy sound and an illusion of sagging shoulders. Xanxus wasn't impressed, because it made him look like a sad, wet kitten. Xanxus hated kittens "Then sempai, you're the victim."

"I'm never a victim- I make other people victims." Bel smirked as he strolled casually to the chair and sprawled on it much like Xanxus on his throne. A fucking copy-cat.

"Why him?" Lussuria all but pouted.

"Because you'll rape me." Fran mused nonchalantly, nearing the chair. "Levi's too hairy, and he played already. Squalo will make me a sushi, and the boss will make Squalo make me a sushi if he didn't already." He said. "Or shoot me."

He kneeled before Bel. "I rather like myself alive, thank you very much." He stated.

"But I can kill you too." Bel noted with dark amusement. Fran raised a green eyebrow.

"If you wanted to, you would've killed me long time ago, sempai." He said. "Besides, your knives are shit."

STAB. "Say that again and a shitty knife will pierce your pretty little heart." Bel wasn't smiling.

"Boys, no fighting."

Fran trailed his hand up Bel's leg, dully staring at the wall beyond his head. "Please say something sometime soon, sempai."

"Something." Said Bel.

After about a minute or so, Fran's hand got to Bel's knee. "You're not nervous, are you?" Fran drawled.

"Nah," Bel shook his head. "I wanna see how long you'll last. Levi gave me the right to pierce him dead five times if you start groping me."

There was a sort of eerie silence the Varia never knew before. Then Fran said, "Five times?"

"He doesn't believe he'll get killed in the first one." Bel grinned, suggesting very boldly how wrong he thought Levi was. And how much he was going to pay for being wrong. Bel had a knack for twisting knives. "He will." He assured them all.

Fran's hand got to the thigh. His fingers twitched. "If I wasn't sure of you being a pervert before, Bel-sempai, all of my doubts have been slowly ravished."

Bel chuckled, and snorted, "Ha. Took you long enough."

In the middle of the thigh, Fran abruptly stopped, turned to face Levi and said, with an empty voice that Xanxus thought was rather impressing for a kiddo, "I'm sorry you'll end up dead."

Fran dropped his hand. Bel murmured something that made Levi run out of the room in screams of bloody murder. Xanxus found himself free of any molesting, lust filled, entirely crazy and murder-able personas in his new playroom. It was such a refreshing change.

"Well, well, well- I got myself a new experiments material." Bel looked down at Fran. "Think, my dear kohai- what is worse- playing some more or admitting defeat?"

Fran cocked his head to the side and said, "Well, that's easy sempai. Defeat."

Bel stood up (while cackling evilly), patted Fran's head and praised him like Xanxus praise his dog, Squalo. "Looks like I'm going to have some fun tonight." He Looked at Fran. Suggestively. "You didn't forget the punishment part of the bargain, did you, froggie?"

Fran blinked at him.

"Sharkie…" Bel purred, averting his gaze to said dog. It reacted with a sneer.

"No freakin' way, no." Squalo screeched as Bel neared him.

"You're not touchin' me, forget it kiddo. I have enough of a hard life; I don't need to let you anywhere near me. No, no, no. Not gonna happen- Jesus, Bel, fuck off!"

Somehow, Squalo ended up on that chair, Bel's knife on his throat. "C'mon sharkie, don't be such a pussy."

"I'm gonna cut you into a salad." Squalo threatened, and put his hand on the hilt of his sword.

"Trash, I said we all play, so you're gonna play."

Bel grinned, Squalo rephrased, "I'm gonna cut you into a salad _later_."

Bel's knife danced lightly on pale skin, slowly going from jugular to throat. Squalo glared at Bel and said, "I'm nervous."

"Not gonna work, sharkie."

"Don't fucking cheat."

The knife went further and further, and with little pressure applied, it'd probably cut Squalo neatly in half. It passed his chest; almost waltzing above his heart, then went lower to his stomach. Xanxus was following it with his eyes until they burned. He didn't realize he wasn't blinking for the entire time. He felt like an idiot, blinked a dozen times in a row and felt even more like an idiot.

"Are you-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can you stop now?"

Xanxus snapped his head back, and smirked when he saw the scene. The knife was a few inches above his dog's lower stomach and Squalo wasn't fidgeting yet. He wasn't nervous at all. He was cheating. Xanxus didn't like cheating (Xanxus himself was an exception, of course).

"Keep going." He told Bel. "He's lying."

"I am not-"

They knife got lower and lower. The hand on the hilt tightened, and Squalo's brows started to knit together. A few inches lower, and he was fidgeting. Xanxus chuckled. Lussuria squealed. Bel 'shi shi'-ed and kept on going.

"Okay, okay you freak, I am nervous." Bel didn't stop. "I said stop it, you fucktard-"the knife was a couple of inches above Squalo's crotch. It was hilarious. "Look, I really like my genitals in place, so either I make that 'later' I promised you a 'now' or you get the fuck away from me." He growled.

Xanxus laughed his ass off for thirteen minutes and fifty seven seconds before gasping a strangled "Fucking shark". Then- he kept on laughing. And laughing. And laughing, until even Fran got some emotion to his face that wasn't his typical porcelain-doll imitation.

"It's not funny!" Squalo grumbled. Xanxus didn't give a rat's ass about what he was saying. "Shut the fuck up!" he yelled.

Fifteen minutes later Squalo was grooming his sword like a cat would his fur, and Xanxus was safe from death by asphyxia. He still chuckled, though.

"Alright, Squalo-sweetheart, it's your turn," said Lussuria, and then he glanced at Xanxus and twitched. Xanxus spat in his face.

"It's not like I have much of a choice here- it's either you or the fucking hyena." Squalo grumbled some more. He looked at Lussuria then, saw the sparkles and lust in his eyes and screeched. "O-kay, I'll go for the boss. At least I won't be raped." He said then.

Xanxus stared at him. "I'm flattered you think me killing you would be less painful than the faggot raping you." Then he smirked and Squalo gulped. Lussuria made a jump for him and as he dodged, he said, "Yeah, well, I don't think you will rape me- so yeah, you don't scare me."

Xanxus raised an eyebrow and followed the arch in Squalo's back as he fought Lussuria off. "Don't be so sure," he murmured. "Be afraid. Be very afraid." He said aloud. The 'Bwahaha' part was left unsaid. When he looked at Levi's face, he knew the message had gotten across.

Lussuria was kicked into a bloody pulp and Squalo strode over him, his hair a long trail behind him. When he got to the throne, and was kneeling, Xanxus murmured a, "Good doggie." Squalo stepped on his foot (hard), and for the first time in his life- Xanxus wondered why the hell Squalo had hills that sharp [or any hills, for that matter].

"Fuck off." He said and put his palm on Xanxus's leg. Xanxus kicked him. Squalo punched him with his artificial hand, and darn, what the fuck was it made of?

The hand trailed up farther, and Xanxus was telling himself this wasn't happening. He wasn't nervous. He couldn't be; only weaklings got nervous. Weaklings and Squalo (and it wasn't the same thing- because if the Varia had taken weaklings it would be called the _Vongola_). When the hand got to his knee, Xanxus could feel his skin crawl and the hairs on the nape of his neck rise. He kicked Squalo again. Squalo scowled and muttered, "Well, you can just say 'yes' and let us both off of the hook".

_As if_.

Xanxus kicked him three times in a row, though only once got a clean hit straight into the ribs (take that, fucker). Before Xanxus noticed it happening, his body tensed, and when he looked down, Squalo's hand was on his thigh. "Ah…" Squalo uttered and looked up. "What now?"

"Keep on going, darling." Lussuria-the-soon-to-be-a-dead-man was watching with interest. Xanxus snorted and gripped Squalo's wrist. He didn't like where all of this was going.

"Wha-"

Xanxus glared at him and said nothing for a long time. Squalo blinked and frowned. "Look, asshole, I'm not gonna loose 'coz you're asexual. 'Sides, I know what kind of punishment you'll give- something like 'Trash, you're our new maid, go clean something'" he made his voice deeper when he imitated Xanxus, and Xanxus just snorted again and pulled silver forelocks until Squalo's head hit Xanxus's knee.

"Ow, poor thing, that'll leave one nasty bruise."

"You think he hit bone?"

"Ushi shi, sure hope he opened his forehead."

There was a groan, and when Squalo began cursing and lifting his head. Xanxus held him down by the hair.

"Quit, Trash."

"Like hell I would, you fucker." Squalo's voice was muffled.

"What, you enjoy groping me that much?" Xanxus taunted and pressed Squalo's face down harder. He could hear him choke. "Quit."

"You wish, asshole." Squalo snapped and seized one of Xanxus's wrists that held his hair and twisted hard. Xanxus let go with a hiss and gripped his other hand tighter, almost breaking bone. The hand he held hostage was the real one, and no matter how hard Squalo glared, he couldn't just take it off and throw into Xanxus's face (probably hoping to break his nose). "Let go, you bastard."

Xanxus smirked. "In your dreams, trash."

Squalo bristled like an angry cat and trashed around as if Xanxus was some pussy that would let go. Xanxus wasn't a pussy. He didn't let go.

Then Squalo stood up and they both fell onto the floor in a mess of hands, legs, feathers and silver hair. Xanxus pressed his hand against the fucker's wind-pipe and waiting to see if he'd turn blue. It never ceased to entertain him when people died of asphyxia. Squalo clawed at his face (did he have a manicure done or something?). As Xanxus's blood dripped down his face he pressed down harder. Squalo began coughing.

"You really hate loosing, eh?" he wheezed. Xanxus smirked. Then Squalo's hand found its way to the nape of his neck and pulled Xanxus down. The kiss was long and hard, and Xanxus wondered how the hell was Squalo able to make him feel that way when he had no air. When the kiss ended (and Xanxus did consider to keep going just to hear Squalo beg for air), they were close still. Squalo's breath mingled with his, and the forced inhales ringed in his ears.

"Nervous yet?" Squalo murmured against his cheek. Xanxus just kept on staring down, marveling at the tingling sensation on his lips, at the fact he had goosebumps all over. Was that how nervousness felt?

Xanxus leaned down again. This time, a loud, clear whistle interrupted the kiss. Their heads snapped to the side, and there stood Bel, grinning, with a captured Fran in his arms. "Not nervous at all, eh, Boss?" then he cackled evilly and hauled Fran out the door. "C'mon, little froggie, your punishment needs a bed."

"If you fuck next to my door and interrupt my sleep you die, brats!" Xanxus called after them.

He heard Bel laugh. "I don't think you'll be sleeping tonight, Boss." He called back.

"So," Squalo murmured, "you enjoy groping me that much?"

**-**

_**A/N- So, after a long break here comes chapter 2! Hm, I think I'll make one more "So what if it wasn't Strip Poker **__and__** it wasn't the Nervous Game?" one-shot. Reviews are loved! C&C are welcomed!**_

_**Thank you everyone for reviewing and faving/adding this to their alerts! I love you all!**_


	3. It Was Either That or Booze

**It Was Either That or Booze**

Over time, Friday nights become a 'Xanxus considers genocide all over again' charade. Lussuria doesn't initiate it anymore, but whenever someone scowls or dares mention the N-word, he bats an eyelash, smiles, and everyone bolts out the door in search of cookies, chick flicks and kittens. Standing your ground insisting on being a macho, bad-ass Mafioso will get you a lapful of a very willing, bent-on-carnal-deeds-too-awful-to-mention Lussuria. It's a fate Xanxus would wish only on the worst of his enemies, his current boss and those annoying cashiers that refuse to sell you booze when you look too hammered to walk properly.

Xanxus doesn't get it. You can lose all your motor abilities and still be able to chug beer. It's like, the laws of Snooki. Scientifically proved and shit.

When Xanxus strolls into the large hall they call living room (someone should totally live there and pay them rent), it's already occupied. In front of the huge screen is Fran, sprawled across the leather sofa watching Pokémon.

Xanxus blinks, and promptly denies he had ever hired the guy. He should've known, what with the gigantic apple hat and the sketchy humor.

"You're a fucking toddler," Xanxus tells him as he pushes his legs off and sits down. Fran doesn't spare him a glance.

"Language, boss." He mutters.

Xanxus snorts. "You're into yellow fuzzballs now?"

"He's not _fuzzy_."

"Well, if he had fur he'd be. With all the electricity going on, Pikachu'd end up like Hud."

Fran gives Xanxus' sparkly, tall wine glass a dubious look. Xanxus just grins and downs the alcohol like a man stranded in the Sahara. Fran rolls his eyes at him, and for a few quiet moments, they watch Fuzzy Green Ball No. 178 getting trashed by the Definitely Not- Yellow, Blushing Rat.

"Are you four?" Bel asks, peering at them across the hall.

Fran and Xanxus politely ignore him in favor of Team Rocket screwing themselves over once again. They don't actually move until Bel decides to flop down between the two of them, leaning against Fran's side. "Seriously?" he asks. "Pokémon?"

Xanxus flips him off. "Shut up, trash."

"That's _PG_ rated." Bel points.

Xanxus doesn't really care for Bel's points. Bel's points are _shit_, and Xanxus is a grown man with a loaded gun at the small of his back. If he chooses to watch stupid Kodomo shows, he can, damnit.

When Levi and Lussuria arrive with beer and Squalo with vodka, they have to sit on the floor because Fran's lazy, Bel's a bitch and Xanxus is too drunk to move, and too pissy to care.

"Boys, lets-"

"Oh, God-" Levi groans, and Squalo pushes a pillow into Lussuria's face, pushing until Lussuria's back hits the floor and he's choking on cotton. The kid's an optimist, Xanxus concludes.

"Cockroaches don't die." He informs Squalo. Squalo frowns at him. It did make more sense in his head, with the homicidal move and the none-dying bastard, and like, cockroaches. 'Cause they don't die. Y'know?

"Don't listen to drunkards." Fran tells them. Levi throws a boot at him, which he successfully ducks. Fran gives Levi an amused smile that lets him know without words he's a very little man, with the aiming skills of a blind, crippled chimp.

"Drinkin' game." Bel suggests, and hell, at least one of the kids has grown up alright.

"I'm in." Xanxus chimes, stealing the beer can from Lussuria's twitching hand. Squalo's practically sitting on the pillow on his face. He can't drink it anyway.

Fran mutters something insulting in response, which Xanxus promptly ignores (but still kicks him for). The rest of the gang agrees mainly for the booze.

They end up with a two-way mix, which is not halfway as perverse or fun as it sounds. It's a Never Have I Ever plus Drinkin' When Pikachu Pika's combo. It's a promise of entertainment, upcoming-alcohol shortage and if they're lucky- a selective amnesia.

They get three shots in before anyone has the opportunity to open up and spill some dirty secrets.

"Never have I ever-" Squalo scowls. "D'we really need to say this shit every time?"

Xanxus kicks his shoulder and grumbles. Squalo snorts. "Never have I ever-" he says, pointedly not looking at anyone. Bel cackles, muttering "cut my hair" under his breath. Squalo ignores him loftily. "-done drag." Shooting Bel a glance and smirking, he adds, "Roleplaying counts."

Bel gives him a nasty sort of head tilt (because no one can differ his looks), and drinks. Lussuria drinks as well, but that's neither surprising not particularly appealing, so they all ignore it in favor of skewering Bel with their stares, and gasping at Squalo.

"You'd rock a dress," Lussuria says musingly, turning an appreciative gaze on Squalo and petting his hair. Squalo gulps and inches away. Xanxus hums in agreement. He would.

"Crossdressing for _sex_ is not _drag_." Bel tells them snidely.

"But drag _is_ for sex." Fran points. "Transitive relation."

"Stop saying things no one understands, honey," Lussuria pets Fran's knee. "It's not attractive on a pretty face."

Fran gives him a _look_.

Squalo hums "Trim it, prim it, dress it, mess it" under his breath.

They all drink when Pikachu gets excited over a random patch of grass.

"Never have I ever got whipped by my own hair." Bel shoots back, and Squalo awards him with a nasty look, drinking his beer sulkily. Then he pointedly ties his hair up, the ribbon a striking contrast to the pale grey.

"Well, at least I didn't have a Yamamoto Meets the Wall Moment." He tells Bel, whose satisfied grin falters.

"Cut your bangs," Squalo advises, and Bel sends three knives his way.

"The Hair's a statement."

"Ooh, let me guess, you're telling the world it's ugly by not looking at it?"

With a flick of his wrist, the knives go back from where they hit the wall, embedding themselves deeply into Squalo's back.

"We don't hit from the back." Levi informs Bel. "It's not honorable."

"Honorable my ass." Bel mumbles with a grin.

"VOOOI! You little son of a-"

Grudgingly, and hopefully covertly enough not to disrupt the ruckus- Xanxus drinks too.

Everyone knows he has a gun, but they still stare like deers caught in headlights, the banter forgotten. "What?" he barks. Seriously, _he has a gun_. "Feathers and hair extensions don't bide well with excessive movement."

Before the information sinks in, they all have to drink twice because of fuzzball. When Xanxus leans down to snatch the beer standing lonely on their carpet, Squalo runs his hand through his hair with a calculating expression. His hand goes through the short hairs at his nape, all the way up the shaggy spikes at the top of his head. Xanxus wonders if he's getting old, because he doesn't resort to violence right away. He just gives Squalo a weird look, a combination of _wtf_ and _srsly dude?_. Squalo raises an eyebrow at him, tangling his fingers deeper before letting go. Xanxus is left with the feeling shooting him now will be a tasteless and juvenile response.

So he settles back on the sofa and pulls at the ribbon on Squalo's hair.

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"_Kids_."

"You know, muttering silently doesn't really work for you." Levi observes quietly. Fran tells him an interesting fact about his mom.

"Don't you speak like that!" Lussuria scolds, slapping Fran's knee. Bel pierces his left shoulder with a knife without moving from Fran's side.

"Get away from my pillow."

"It's nice being furniture in custody." Fran tells him fondly.

"Pillow's no furniture." Xanxus tells him.

"Pi-ka-" they all chug the booze. "Chu!"

"Never have I ever participated in a sexual encounter." Fran says later.

A heavy silence falls upon them, and the stupid "Let's save the day!" tirade from the television seems to echo in the large space of the hall. They all carefully drink their beers, avoiding looking at Fran askance, or looking at him at all.

"That was good kid," Xanxus tells him. Everyone nods grimly, admitting that yeah, okay, the little shit got them good.

"Being with a virgin in the room's embarrassing," Levi mutters with a blush spreading from neck to forehead. A murmur of agreement spreads around the room.

Lussuria turns on Bel, a thin eyebrow on the verge of his hairline. "Your reservation is worthy of respect." He tells him. Bel bares his teeth.

"It's not _my_ reservation." He says, turning to pointedly glare at Fran.

"No relationships between co-workers." He says with a shrug. Xanxus considers it a feat- the hat practically prevents all possible movement, especially in that position- half squashed into the armrest by Bel's weigh. "It leads to quarrels and prevents a healthy working environment."

"Pika Pika!"

"Gah."

"Someone should off him."

"Let's leave it to you, then." Xanxus grumbles, because it seems like a valid suggestion. "Off you go." Xanxus makes a vague gesture with his hand. Levi gives him a dubious look. "Someone, shove him into the television."

Squalo does. Levi's face leaves a trail of drool on the screen, which Xanxus orders him to clean. Squalo scowls, tells him he's an ass, but uses Levi's shirt to wipe the spit off. When Levi finally lands on the carpet, shirt wet on the back, he tells Xanxus he's an ass_hole_.

Xanxus doesn't really care. When Levi adds "But I still love you" softly, he throws his glass at his head. It breaks with a satisfactory _crack_ on his skull.

They drink twice before Lussuria says, "I've never bottomed."

Squalo drops his glass. "You're shitting me."

Lussuria's lips curl in a small, predatory grin, and he shifts his way onto one arm, successfully sprawling on the carpet, body luxuriously lax. "I am not, darling."

While they're talking, Xanxus sips his drink. Squalo's head whips towards him, eyes as wide as saucers. "Now, _you_ are _totally_ shitting me." Xanxus tells him his words may cost him his life. Squalo shuts up.

"Boss, you're officially less cool than you were before this round." Fran tells him earnestly.

Bel's freaky laugh adds to the murmur deafening Xanxus' ears. It's not that big a deal. Xanxus is a practical kinda guy- and really, it's just not comfortable topping someone who might as well be godzila. "He was taller," he grumbles, and the rest burst into laughter.

Levi perks up, eyes shining in determination.

"So who was it?" Bel asks.

Xanxus flips him off and declares the topic off limits. He'd be damned before he discusses his sex-life with this trashload.

No one says a thing, and they settle to watch Pokémon, curiosity oozing from them all in waves. After a few minutes, they break into a heated argument about whether Ash has grown at all since the first season. Xanxus settle back onto the soft leather, sipping on his drink. Squalo settles himself between his legs, leaning his back against the sofa while sitting on the floor. He tilts his head backwards, hair falling off his face and pooling all over Xanxus' lap. "Who was it?" he asks.

Xanxus must be really drunk because he answers, "Dino."

That sends Squalo into a feat of laughter so strong he doubles over, wheezing. He mumbles something that sounds like _ohmigawd_ over and over. Everyone stares at him, uncertain whether they should take pictures or slowly inch away, because Xanxus doesn't look amused and, well. Xanxus has a gun.

He kicks Squalo in the ribs, but he just rolls over onto his back, staring at the ceiling and cackling madly.

He turns his head towards Xanxus and says, "He's 1.83"

Xanxus promptly drops his drink onto his lap. Then everyone's laughing, and there's no stopping it. Xanxus growls, gets up, and stomps over to Squalo, wet pants and all. He lifts him by the hair, but Squalo doesn't look scared. He looks like he's taken a ton of happy pills with his alcohol. Xanxus throws him against a wall. Or at least he meant to, but his aim's shit when he's drunk, so Squalo ends up happily giggling into the sofa cushions.

Xanxus sits down on the floor, legs crossed at the ankles, and settles for hitting Squalo's head rhythmically. Bel braids Squalo's hair, leaning heavily against Fran's chest.

"Never have I ever been cuffed," Levi says. "You guys suck at not getting caught."

Bel laughs. "I've put other people in handcuffs, too" he says between sips.

Even Fran drinks.

"What didja do?" Levi asks him, confused. "You're usually so careful."

"He caught Bel's eye," Xanxus tells his dense employee.

"And Bel caught him back," Squalo adds.

Fran plays nervously with the material of Bel's shirt, because it's the closest thing he can get to. Bel's got his other hand pinned beneath him, and being sprawled on the rest of him leaves not many an option.

Lussuria frowns. "Did you lie about sex?"

La-gasp.

Fran gives him a level look. "Being tied to a bed for four hours doesn't mean we actually did anything."

"And how awful is that?" Bel asks, sniffing theatrically.

Levi sniffles as well. "I know, right?"

Bel gives him a calculating look. Even without seeing his eyes, Bel fairs quite well in facial expressions. His mouth pulls down, with the barest hint of bared teeth. "How _exactly_ do you know?" he asks sweetly, pulling a knife out of his pocket. Levi gulps.

"No, I mean, I know how it feels not to get laid-"

The knife grazes his cheek, leaving a deep enough cut to bleed. Bel smiles. "I'm sure you do."

Lussuria's grin is terrifying and makes the hair on Xanxus' arms rise in alarm. "I've never sent nude pics of myself to someone by mistake."

"You have nude pictures of yourself?" Fran's voice seems strained, his face pulled in a grimace. Lussuria gives him a smirk.

Fran turns away from him with a shudder. Nudging Bel, he says "Drink up."

"It wasn't by mistake," Bel grins at him. Fran turns an unhealthy red. Squalo laughs again, lifting his head to drink. His hair's a mess, but the braids Bel has made make it look intentional. 'Wild' or something; Jungle style.

Xanxus cocks an eyebrow. "Who?"

Squalo grins around the glass rim. "Wouldn't you like to know."

Xanxus blinks, quite surprised that he actually would. "Get over yourselves, lovebirds," Bel hoots at them.

"Look who's talking," Squalo says with a glare.

"Rubbing it in," Levi mutters approvingly.

A knife almost hits him square in the forehead. "Touché."

"I've never called someone the wrong name while doing it." Fran says.

"But you've never done it!" Squalo protests.

"Which is a shame," Bel mumbles under his breath.

"True, but some of _you_ did." Fran says with a smirk, ignoring Bel.

Levi and Lussuria drink. With a long, suffering sigh, Bel entangles himself from Fran to down his own poison. He slumps back down way to quickly and nuzzles Fran's neck.

"You are all awful people." Squalo huffs at the three of them.

"That's kind of the point in being a criminal, cupcake," Lussuria informs him.

"I've never dyed my hair." Levi offers.

"Obviously," Xanxus says, drinking. Squalo and Lussuria drink as well.

"I knew it!" Levi cries, pointing at Squalo. "I knew the Allen Walker look wasn't natural."

Squalo stares at him, unimpressed. "At least I managed to achieve it without having a monster hand."

"Allen's fake hand pwns your fake hand, sempai." Fran tells him, all somber and shit.

"If Bel wasn't so fond of you, I'd have felt obligated to cause you harm, kid."

Bel smirks.

Fran rolls his eyes. "I can take you on, sempai."

Levi snickers. "Yeah, you'd end up fighting imaginary monsters for days. Like that last guy."

Xanxus throws an empty bottle at him. "We don't talk 'bout the last guy."

They all nod. Levi mumbles an apology.

"I've never been in love." Lussiria offers. There's a collective snort of dubious laughter. "One night stands are not love, darlings."

They take four more drinks because someone forgot to put the television on mute.

"Never, though?" Levi asks when they're done.

Lussuria just shakes his head sadly. He looks like a sad, kicked puppy that had been forgotten in the rain. Xanxus wants to hit him.

No one drinks.

Besides Xanxus and Lussuria.

Then the dubious laughter erupts again. "Boss, the 'hole point's not lyin'." Bel slurs at him. Fran nods beside him, his chin hitting the top of Bel's head.

"'m not lying."

"Uh-ha."

"Is it me?" Levi asks, all hopeful and sparkly and blushing like a thirteen year old chick. "It's me, right?"

"No, honey, it's Squalo." Lussuria tells him softly, sneaking a comforting arm around his shoulders. Levi sniffles pathetically, blinking away tears.

Xanxus snorts. "It's not."

"Uh-ha."

"Shut up."

"Uh-ha."

Xanxus gives Fran a look. "What? I agreed."

"Uh-ha," Lussuria murmurs, laughing.

Squalo is silent. He is a heavy weigh against Xanxus' legs, pliant, and looking all sorts of stoned. Xanxus huffs. Finding someone occasionally attractive and thinking they're an awesome swordsman is _not_ being in love.

Also? Xanxus doesn't do love.

Squalo huffs a 'Shut up, bitches' and leans back, his hair pooling on Xanxus' legs again. The light from the screen tints it blue, and it shimmers silver in the dark. Xanxus tangles his hand in the stray locks, pulling a little.

He looks to the side, and there's Bel and Fran, comfortably making out. Bel's face is buried in Fran's neck, but Xanxus and the neighbors five-hundred kilometers away can probably hear the smooching. Fran doesn't seem to mind.

Squalo sighs. "It's about damn time."

Lussuria hums in agreement. Then his eyes cut to the side, curiously peering into Xanxus' own. He makes a vague gesture with his hand. _Go on_.

Xanxus isn't sure who moves first, and perhaps it doesn't even matter. They meet each other half way, in a clash of lips, tongues and teeth, too heated, too close. He doesn't breath for a while, and it burns in his lungs and swims in his head, vision slightly blurred at the edges and unfocused all over. When they part to breath, Xanxus takes one huge gulp of air and bounces right back, pulling at Squalo's hair and ravishing his mouth.

"I've topped Dino, you know?" Squalo huffs between kisses.

His laugh is airy, and Xanxus can feel it against his lips.

"Yeah?"

Xanxus doesn't let him answer.

_Fin_

_(Fer Realz)_

_A/N: I had fun with this piece, but it's very different from what I've written so far. It's been a while, and my style and interests have changed- but I hope you've still enjoyed reading the third and final part of this series. I've never thought it'd become as popular as it did- and I thank you guys for it. The friend I originally wrote this fic for has demanded a third part for practically a lifetime- so here it is- the tale of the mafia drunkards :P_


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